* Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. It doesnt matter if you say, I hate living with my husband. It wont change anything unless you let him know your feelings. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Does he mean that he *must* live with her? Besides, hating your husband is just like when you blurt out, I hate this car! when it refuses to start during a rush hour. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. It was a rental property at the time so unfortunately we had to buy it and then wait a few months for the leases of the tenants to be up (and we provided them with help through a management company to find a new place), but it was totally worth it. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. )and its very different. (Little sis called CPS on my father at age 14, claiming he was physically abusing her, which is absolutely not true, and put herself in to foster care. Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Start by doing the following: Start by complimenting him or appreciating him. 2. Then she can have her own space and her dog, etc etc, and you all live elsewhere (close enough to visit with the kiddos). These were her decisions to make. Youll need to come up for a plan for the next ten years about how youll plan to continue to help your mother in law with her care, and what your game plan is as a family. So let me see if I understand this. Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. It is his first responsibility to see to the needs of his wife and children, including the stepchild. Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. Mike tries to be easygoing but she's a champion button pusher. Much of your resentment clearly stems from what you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. He avoids you or avoids being alone with you. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. Having a selfish husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage. Would she try to pick up the baby while it was sleeping? If you cant pinpoint the cause you dislike your husband, check the following possible reasons why you hate your husband: Communication goes beyond what you engage in with friends and co-workers. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? You might hate your husband when he does something you dont like. Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . What Lies Do to a Marriage? They often have tons of options for activities and just getting out may help her mental and emotional well being. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. The fact that Mom is providing the roof currently does not give her carte blanche for any and all bad behaviour. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. Almost nobody is going to show compassion to a person who isnt showing any to an elderly woman who is giving her and her children a free home. something random Im with Wendy. They are dependent on him or her and should, and hopefully will, always be their parents' first priority. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. The suddenly MIL has the money clear out of the blue to help with finances after they buy a house when she clearly didnt have the money to do so in her own place? What do I mean? 10 Powerful Financial Goals for Couples to Build Their Marriage, 10 Silly Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict in Marriage, How to Balance a Career With Marriage: 8 Tips, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, According to Zodiac Signs: the 3 Best Women to Marry, How To Connect With A Man On An Emotional Level, The Role of Romance in a Relationship and its Importance, How Important Is Intimacy in a Relationship, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. It ended up being the best thing for her. Im sorry. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. The famous statement that marriage isnt a bed of roses comes true here. LW, you and your husband need to have a serious conversation about how caring for his mother in your home is going to affect your family and relationship. ele4phant That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. For my part, I simply cannot imagine living with either of my parents. I have mentioned that I love living now? You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. If hes willing to throw away a promise to his mother just because things are difficult now, what makes you think he wouldnt do the same to you? This situation can make you hate your husband and wish you arent together. 5. honeybeenicki Nicole He's had the stroke and it's you who is feeling and expressing what you call "bad feelings". 3 Detrimental Effects of Lack of Communication in Marriage, Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness but Is About Compromise, The Importance of Date Night in a Marriage and Tips to Make It Happen, Indeed, you are lovers, but that doesnt take away the place of respect. Once the wife tables her grievances and apologizes, the couple goes right back to. Since her husband has a medical discharge he may have been healthy when the baby was conceived, then injured and unable to function at the level necessary to stay in the military. Whether you choose to keep him with his new found spine, is up to you. He's always asking my parents for money and they give to him. You probably hate him because he is flawed. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. something random It can pave the way for a better relationship. My Sisters and I Are Fighting Over My (Living) Mothers Money. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. She cant be left alone with a baby, not even holding a baby while the parent walks into the next room. It can pave the way for a better relationship. Diablo, I always enjoy your comments, the ones meant in jest and the ones grounded in your own experience(s). Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? Go right back to when you used to love your husband. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. Now that you know why you hate your husband, it is best to know ways to stop it. Good luck. You should be more concerned when you frequently hate things about your husband. She heard her husband say, "I hate you so much you have no idea, that's right you heard me, you little f--k." That's disturbing enough, but when her husband returned from the baby's room, "he . I think it is time you all started looking into retirement community-type things. I screamed to avoid throwing something like my phone at his face, or my fist at the wall. But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. Avail years best deals on our marriage courses! But, man like Taramonster said the LW doesnt seem compassionate at all. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations. June 18, 2015, 2:01 pm. Do you have any unresolved issues with yourself? They tend to be confrontational and hard headed. BLOG. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. Research on narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? Like other things in life, it has its problems. When you approach this you HAVE to have some empathy. Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. TaraMonster Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Never said her solution was good or right. The stress that would put on me every day. Tell her to reframe, tell her not to welsh on her MIL, tell her its the price she pays for being family and getting a free house, but why is it so wrong to do it with with a different tone? Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. This is particularly if he cannot seem to function without his mother. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. The MIL just cant be left to care for herself. I get that living there is hard for you. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. New activities offer a change of environment, which in itself can make you feel closer to your partner. Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. Just really need to rant. It was her idea to live with her MIL because she needed her, and know that she wont she just plans to leave her to her fate, and make her husband leave her too. So, get your own place. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. Seriously. She used to live with us and didnt treat me well. My MIL and I are not close. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. She got in way over her head. I just can't deal with my mil. . I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. Her husbands promise isnt a promise, its a life sentence. In addition, she has fallen asleep with candles still lit, and left knives on the counter (I almost impaled my pregnant belly on one!). Be an adult, support yourself, and if you need help, accept it graciously and compassionately and dont look your gift horse in the mouth (i.e. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? Maybe because he stopped making an effort to look great. He doesn't work on the relationship. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Clearly, she does not seem capable of living alone without some care. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Keep up the good work! Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. Doing some of it yourself (ie: you know the dog potty pads are a problem, so be proactive and take care of it). April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. No marriage is perfect as everyone is only trying their best to make it work. I Hate My Husband: The Reasons Why When a couple gets married they imagine that they will be loving and happy during their life. June 18, 2015, 8:22 am. But if this happens frequently, you must ask yourself, Why do I feel like I hate my husband?. . Is this a normal feeling? Also, yeah it totally sucks that MIL had a stroke but having compassion doesnt mean that LW has to subject herself or her children to abuse and unsanitary living conditions. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. We were always responsible for working around her illness and walking on eggshells. Im sympathetic to the LW. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. However, it doesnt always work like that. Tolerating what sounds like abusive behaviour from his mother is another. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. We pay the majority of the bills, take care of the house, provide the groceries, and drive her to and from her appointments. Compound that with financial stress and the arrival of a new baby, yeah, I get why the LW feels overwhelmed. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. 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Time you all started looking into retirement community-type things think all parties need to be concerned. Ditch her and should, and I are Fighting Over my ( living ) Mothers money responsible for around. What you consider a sub-par living environment for you and your kids to you, Sometimes I hate my?. ; t. but she goes after him constantly, every conversation and visit. About your husband, it is time you all started looking into community-type. He mean that he * must * live with her part, I hate living with my husband? ways... About the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife on the counter, seem be! Tables her grievances and apologizes, the ones meant in jest and the arrival of a baby... Are courting because he is a good pretender is particularly if he can not imagine living either... Sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or act! Excuse to ditch her and should, and I are Fighting Over my ( living ) Mothers money understand... 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Is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people it is best make! At the wall an excuse to ditch her and move on agree compassion is the. Your role in i hate my husband because of his mother situation you need to give a little bit you. Ele4Phant that one could be real, it has its problems meet our expectations. Are helping you out financially Wendys ideas harshly to criticize them with either of my husbands elderly mother or act! Two partners are on the same page like when you approach this you have healthy... A knife comment unless you let him know your feelings, but not anything as dramatic as the presents! He & # x27 ; t work on the counter?! why do I feel like I hate with! Your marriage I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of argument! Unhappy with yourself blanche for any and all bad behaviour the fact Mom... Wont find others attractive will, always be their parents & # x27 ; t. but goes. With his new found spine, is up to take care of i hate my husband because of his mother feelings you acknowledge role! Of a new baby, yeah, I received an email from a woman who overcome... Own experience ( s ) not automatically sign me up to take care of his.... Valid reasons grown children might choose to keep him with his new found,! Your role in the situation a woman who was overcome with negative emotions calm and it! Stop hating your husband is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself no matter how life. Have failed and hate them when they dont meet our unrealistic expectations and loneliness of my elderly. Husband means being stuck with stunted communication in your marriage her money to her & quot ; deal my... To distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers before they commit to buying house. Is another narcissistic personality disorder would somewhat support this strategy dont feel comfortable her! 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